In Episode 18 of the Life In A Kilt Podcast, Rick gives his list of the 10 worst Christmas Carols ever written/recorded/performed. While we cannot independently confirm these picks, we nonetheless list them here for your analysis. Feel free to disagree, agree or add your own.
10: The Little Drummer Boy
While there are some decent versions of this song (Crosby & Bowie for one) overall it’s a sad, mopey song that puts a solemn damper on your Christmas celebration. In this version, the Celtic Women try to breathe some life into it but still only succeed in making me giggle every time they say the word “rump.”
9: 12 Days Of Christmas
The Christmas version of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” We all anticipate the final “5 Golden Rings” because we know that means this infernal song is almost over.
8: Baby It’s Cold Outside
No, it’s not about rape. Unless you’re referring to what it does to my patience. You know, every cute or ironic couple pairing does not have to perform this song. Especially since there has already been one perfect version recorded. I’m putting it here. Now stop.
7: Last Christmas
Dude, I’m sorry you made poor relationship decisions “last Christmas” but stop ruining my “this Christmas” whining about them.
6: Mele Kalikimaka
Christmas is not for people who live in tropical paradises or on hot beaches with palm trees. You have so many other great things like piña coladas and surfing and Elizabeth Shue in a surrong (see Cocktail). Please don’t try to destroy Christmas with your images of palm trees and sand. I’m begging you.
5: The Chipmunk Song
Why do kids like this song so much? Frankly, I’d rather Barney the purple dinosaur scale my kilt and fart on my head for thirty minutes. It’s not just that the squeaky “harmonies” are ingratiating (which they are) but the regular screaming at Alvin by Dave will try anyone’s last nerve. Can’t we all finally accept that rodent verbal abuse is no longer funny? Maybe just one of the little guys can come up with a Christmas wish for Dave to attend a few anger management classes. I see no reason this musical blackboard scratch should be pulled out every Christmas season to the exasperation of everyone except maybe Richard Gere.
4: All I Want For Christmas Is A Hippopotamus That Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
I’m only putting three here but this should include pretty much all Christmas novelty songs. Most of these “carols” end up being sung by an animated, mounted bass you can purchase at Cracker Barrel. They’re largely grandparent humor. You have lots of time to enjoy these songs when you pass the age of 75, don’t do it now.
3: Grown-Up Christmas List
If you’ve got a Christmas list to give to Santa, you’re not a grown up. Give your kids to someone to take care of for awhile and get some in-patient therapy. Come back when you are a real grown-up and can solve your problems like the rest of us do by actually working on them. Also, take the sweater off of your cat.
2: Little St. Nick
I imagine if I’m ever kidnapped by foreign terrorists, this is the song they will play for me over and over as I desperately beg for beheading. I can’t say enough bad things about this song but I’ve certainly tried over the years. Not only is the premise so predictable (We’re the Beach Boys and sing about cars like in “Little Deuce Coupe” so let’s sing about Santa’s sleigh in “Little St. Nick!”) but we have to listen to them continually reminding us that “Christmas comes this time each year.” Oh, really? It’s not going to randomly move to the 8th of August one year and 26th of March the next? Good to know.
1: The Christmas Shoes
I hate to dishonor Christmas by even referring to this as a ‘Christmas carol” but there seems to be no way to stop it. If I could, I would pick Santa up by his shoes (boots) and, with Santa, club to death every member of this band, their management, their writers and merch staff. I’d also slash their tour bus tires just to be safe. I had to listen to 10 seconds of this song when I was preparing the video for this blog and now I can’t stop my gag reflexes. But, hey, isn’t that what Christmas is all about?